About Orientations

I think we do not pay enough attention to orientations in our culture. What do I mean by orientations?

To me orientations are those things that we are born with. Orientations differ from lifestyle choices because orientations are not choices. Orientations can be resisted but not eliminated. Orientations are part of who and what we are. Like feelings, orientations choose us, we do not choose them. Orientations always have to be part of the equation when people are making lifestyle decisions. In my opinion orientations are hard wired in.

It used to be people thought folks could be cured of their orientations. For example, after the misery of attempts at “conversion therapy” most rational people now accept different sexual orientations as being something folks just are.

Yes, we do pay a lot more attention to sexual orientation (thank goodness) than we used to. In fact, it is rightfully against the law for people to be discriminated against for their sexual orientation (thank goodness) and legal same sex marriage has become the norm in our society.

Gender orientation is often included with sexual orientation, which is a good thing because it makes discrimination based upon it actionable. In my opinion our gender (our wiring) is sometimes very different from our sex (our plumbing.) I think the truth is orientations are generally a non-binary spectrum as opposed to say sex, which tends to be binary. I believe almost all of us have both male and female in us, no matter what’s our plumbing.

I think another kind of orientation that’s coming into realization is relationship orientation. This is emotional romantic orientation not just sexual sexual. In fact some folks are attracted to one gender sexually and another romantically. The hetro-normative standard is male-female monogamy. To me that is just one option, of a landscape of options. Polyamory is just one other possibility.

Almost all of us have met people who just cannot be sexually and/or romantically monogamous. In the past these folks have often been shamed for being who they are and have had to either cheat or deny themselves. Thankfully, that seems to be changing. Oh yes, and if the statistics for infidelity are any indication, monogamy vs. non-monagamy seems to be a a non-binary spectrum as well. Even people who profess to monogamy seem to struggle with emotional infidelity as well as sexual infidelity. No, I don't think cheating is right. People are responsible for their actions.

Folks need to know who they are. People should not be shamed for their orientations, as long as they act ethically. People need to be able to see themselves for who they are and consider what kind of ethical commitments they make based on those orientations, before they make them.

People should accept their orientations and live them, when possible, in a way that is ethical, sane, safe and consensual. If people live a lifestyle that differs from their orientations they need to be prepared for a life of internal conflict. Everyone who ethically lives their orientations should be respected and accepted by others who do not have the same orientations. They are living their lives as who they are. That, to me, is what freedom is all about.